I Am Not a Non-Dualist
I recently met an old friend who I had not seen for some time. She lives in the spiritual community called Findhorn and she does lots of spiritual activities – peace dancing, singing Sufi songs, Laughing Yoga. She was surprised that I had given up all spiritual practices and reminded me of the days when we would talk about my latest spiritual teacher, my spiritual journeys to India, all the spiritual books that I was reading.
“Don’t you miss all that? Where do you get your peak experiences from?” she asked.
No, I don’t miss it and I don’t need peak experiences.
Do I miss my spirtual days when I searched for the truth about, life, the universe and everything? No, for there was always a conflict, an anguish and a thirst for answers, and tension between where I was and where I thought I needed to be. Now there is much more ease. There is nothing left to search for, only an exploration of where I am.
Many people associate non-duality with spirituality. There is a link between Advaita, a branch of Hinduism and non-duality. Many people come to non-duality after being on a spiritual path. It is therefore understandable that non-duality is seen in a spiritual context.
The problem I have with the word spiritual is that it tends to give the impression that life can be divided into the spiritual and non-spiritual, the sacred and the profane. Once this is done, there is also the tendency to value one more than the other. Peace dancing is seen as more important than jogging. Sitting at the feet of the spiritual master is seen as more important than sitting at your desk at work.
What is actually happening right now? There is just life lived always in the present. Consciousness plays and the energy I feel I sometimes label good, and I sometimes label it bad. But the labels are not the actuality, just as the map is not the territory. There is no division, no context of the mind, body or spirit.
I have even heard it said by some non-dual speakers that non-duality gives you some sort of insight into the mind of God, and this would appear to exclude atheists. Can an atheist embrace non-duality? My experience of non-duality has given me no insight into God or any other spiritual matter. Neither am I seeking such insight. Am I an atheist? No, I am really an agnostic because I have no idea whether there is a God or not, whether there is something guiding the Universe or whether there is just randomness and chaos. It’s all a mystery. And I embrace the mystery. I do not need the God puzzle to be solved.
Let’s chuck spirituality, God and religion out of non-duality and live with the mystery of it all. If you find yourself chopping wood then chop wood. If you find yourself fetching water then fetch water.
And whilst I’m about it, maybe I should throw away the concept of non-duality.
- I am not spiritual
- I am not religious
- I am not God
- I am not an advaitist
- I am not a non-dualist
- I am not a philosopher
- I am not English
- I am not Stephen
- I am not…
Then who am I when all that makes up my identity has gone? What is left?
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Who are you? How about condensed nothing but even that is something. Good question that will stay a question.
You could say you are nothing, or you could say you are everything. I would say both. The fact that I’m typing these words and thinking these thoughts right now means that these things exist in some form. Even as just a thought. As energy. Even an illusion is something. There is no nothingness unless that nothingness is just the empty vessel that holds everything, all of infinity, every possibility and energy that “is”.
Just the fact that I have these ideas mean, to me, that these ideas already exist – always have existed and always will exist. It’s just how it is.
I just sense that because there is the illusion of a ‘me’ and an ‘ego’ and ‘time’ and ‘seperateness’ and an ‘I’ that senses these things to begin with, means that there is no way that nothing can exist. Atleast not with a something to cause that nothingness to exist as nothingness. I wonder if this makes sense. I just sense it as something real.
That for oneness to exist as reality, there has to be a reality or atleast a thought of reality where duality/atleast two seperate beings existing, exists… in order for the opposite of that to exist. Maybe both exist. Maybe EVERYTHING exists. Everything and nothing exist in infinity in the true ‘me’. So maybe that’s why “I” don’t have to worry about losing anything or attaining anything – because I hold everything within me.
There is no time, really, so I always have it right now. Therefore there’s nothing to fear. Well, there is fear, but it exists alongside of love. (I admit here not everything I say may make sense) The pure me, the me that is nothing and therefore holds everything (which is also me) is partly love and partly fear so really, I just AM and just exist in this way. It’s peace, I suppose, to know that there is nothing to do really… it’s just to experience. Everything just is, so… all you can do is be aware.
I wonder if this makes sense. Well, I just wrote it, so atleast the thought of it is real. Thoghts are real. Everything is real.